A Brief Overview of UIUC Campus Bars

As a student of the University of Illinois, I have many friends and peers who spend their leisure time drinking at our numerous campus bars. Personally, I usually stay away from these. The crowded, noisy rooms of our campus's most popular hangouts are simply not my element, and my favorite drinks are not the typical offerings behind their bars. However, in the past two weeks I have had multiple opportunities to visit these heralded gathering places of inebriated young people and sample their fare, via birthday celebrations and department bar crawls. Outlined below are my findings:

PART 1: BEER

Not much to mess up here. Our campus bars primarily offer domestic beers, which I typically avoid, but also carry a few of the more popular premiums and imports, namely from the Guinness family, and occasionally something better. However, I have yet to see an IPA, Imperial Stout, or premium bitter brew on campus. Although my favorite of the beers typically offered on campus, Smithwicks, is usually more pricey, it's difficult for a bartender to mess up.

In general, I'd say this is the safest bet for getting a decent drink at a campus bar.

PART 2: WINE

Good wine is nonexistent on campus. Don't even bother trying.

PART 3: WHISKEY

One of my two favorite spirits. Scotch, to be precise. On campus, it's a joke. Almost all the bars have at least Dewar's white label blended, which is only acceptable for mixed drinks. On that note, I've found that if I explicitly tell the bartender how to make a scotch cocktail, it turns out not half bad. Ordering a godfather (equal parts scotch, amaretto on the rocks) by name is a no-no, but explaining how to make it results in a passable cocktail, which they usually will undercharge me for out of inexperience. Next time I'll try for a rob roy, assuming I can find a bar that has sweet vermouth and a bartender who knows what it is.

As for single malts, I hope you like Glenlivet 12yr (and you should, it's really a very solid scotch). The most popular of single malts in the country is the only offering on campus, and the only bars so far I've seen it at are Murphy's and Legends. I haven't ordered it on campus yet, though, but again, a drink with one ingredient is difficult to mess up.

From what I've seen, most of the bars have at least one decent bourbon, and a few carry Crown Royal, if North American whiskey suits you better.

PART 4: GIN, VODKA, RUM, TEQUILA

I'm combining all these into one because they are such versatile spirits. Let's start with some good news and some bad news:

GOOD NEWS: Every bar I've been to on campus carries at least either Bombay Sapphire or Tanqueray.

BAD NEWS: Bartenders don't seem to know how to use them. I've tried two separate times to get a dry gin martini, at two separate bars. Both were failures. The breakdown:

FIREHAUS- Bartender did not know what a dry martini was. Had to ask people sitting at the other end of the bar, and the senior staff member. Made a decent attempt at it (actually splashed the vermouth in and out of the glass at someone's suggestion - a very good gesture), but he handed me something with no more than 1.5 oz of alcohol total, and just barely chilled. "A" for effort, "C-" for execution.

MURPHY'S - Started out strong, but ultimately failed. Measured out the bombay sapphire into the shaker, then to my horror added what I'm pretty sure was their wells gin and possibly sugar syrup, and an ungodly amount of vermouth. Tasted like a sweet nightmare. At least he gave me olives. F.

And if you like gin and tonic, definitely ask the bartender if they actually have tonic water. Joe's does not. They have sprite. Failure.

Now that that's out of the way, let's move on to vodka, rum, and tequila. These are arguably the most popular spirits among collegians, so they are plentiful. I'm not much for these, except in certain drinks, and I think I've learned my lesson about ordering atypical college drinks on campus. If you're into these spirits, they definitely have a selection to pick from.


FINAL THOUGHTS

I like going to campus bars with friends, for the socialization and camaraderie. I like going downtown for really good drinks. It's a shame the two can't find some happy medium. While I'm on campus, I know now to stick to beer and simple cocktails that I can explain in detail to the bartender without taking so long as to piss off the people in line behind me. But by far, the most important thing I've learned is to never, ever order a dry gin martini on campus.